My two parenting coaches who are teaching me how I can be a better parent to them.
Parenting is a constant learning process for me. In the past year or so, I have found that my most insightful parenting lessons are coming from: my own children. At the ages of 6 and 7, they are getting to a glorious age where they can really express and articulate themselves. It seems a bit odd to think that I am taking direction from people in the single digits, but who knows my specific parenting strengths and weaknesses better than these two, right?
They are starting to hold me accountable to being a better parent than if left to my own devices. I appreciate that. Right now, these observations have been coming mainly from Ben, who is older, but I know Max won’t be too far behind. Especially because he is absorbing the interactions I am having with his older brother.
Here are a few lessons I have recently learned:
Give them a chance to use their manners instead of assuming they won’t. When kids are little and you start teaching them to say “please” and “thank you”, you remind them to say it every time they ask for something or something is given to them. But the snag that can happen (and did happen to me) is that you get used to saying that and never stop. One day Ben asked, “How come no matter what we say, you always add something else for us to say?” I do? I do. He was right. Instead of just allowing them to say their thank you’s, I was ready to jump in with, “Did you tell them how good it was?” Not only is this rude to my own kid, it is awkward for the other person. Now I try to bite my tongue and let them use their manners on their own without chiming in.
Wait until they ask for help. This seems like such a no-brainer, but I didn’t even realize I was doing it until Ben brought it to my attention. It has to do with school work, specifically reading. When he would read out loud, he would go at a quick pace and when he got to a word he didn’t know, he would stop, and I would jump in with the word. After a couple frustrating sessions of this, he said to me, “Mom, when I don’t know a word, can you not tell me unless I ask?” It seems silly to think that I needed a 6 year old (at the time) to tell me this, but I am so grateful he did. Homework time is still not even close to perfect around here but this lesson was a step in the right direction.
Don’t use an accident as a time to point out what they were not doing right. This one is my most recent lesson learned. An example happened this morning when we were trying to get out of the house. I had asked them 3-4 times at least to put their shoes on and get in the car. Once we were in the garage, Ben was just leaning up against the car in a dreamworld, not doing what we needed him to do, which was get in. Max got in the car right by him, and closed the car door. In doing so, the car door hits Ben in the elbow and he starts to throw a fit. My response was a quick, “If you were doing what you were supposed to, then that wouldn’t have happened.” That did not go over well. However, after he calmed down, he was able to explain to me that he does not like it when I use times that they are hurt or spill something to tell them it was because they weren’t following directions. And he has a good point. Even if it is true, it is not the time to bring it up. Nobody is listening.
It’s embarrassing to admit that I did (and do) these things because I would never do them intentionally. I am trying to use these non-stellar parenting habits as a chance to change for the better though. It seems the key to making the lesson a two-way street is how I respond to the criticism.
After one of these parenting lessons, I usually take some time to come back and tell them I heard what they said and that they were right. It then opens up a door for me to thank them for taking the time to tell me what I am doing that bothers them because I am trying to be the best mom I can to them and I can only do that with their help. Having this quick talk with them afterwards really helps because I do want them to feel like they can continue to point out things I am doing that are causing them frustration. It is also a way for them to see that it is perfectly okay not to be perfect. And more importantly, that the world does not end when you acknowledge you are wrong about something.
I am sure this is the beginning of a long road ahead, but I am looking forward to the lessons I have ahead of me.
